How to Mess with the Espadas
by flamesandblackroses
Summary: Here's the Arrancar version of How to Bust Up the Gotei 13. Please read the top before you read story. I warned you so no haters. Rated teen for my potty mouth


Hello! I know I'm probably going to repeat this at the bottom so I gonna tell you beforehand that this is not going to be funny or as funny as Toshiro's obsessed compared to The Retirement Home for Seriously Old Espadas. Well, enjoy people

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The Primera Espada

1. Get Lilynette kick Stark's ass (literally) in the least expected moment. (Espada meetings, sleeping, dreams, etc)

2. Set him up with Tia Harribel (if he's like Shunsui, which I think he is)

3. Give him fake coyote ears and tail (hot glue this to his hair and ass)

4. Call him a pimp (because he looks like one, if you give him a hat and cane)

5. Videotape him sleeping and send the video of to the other espadas.

The Segunda Espada

1. Shave off Baraggan's mustache

2. Compare his age to Yamamoto's and see which one needs to go to a retirement home the most

3. Send him to a retirement home (The Retirement Home For Seriously Old Espadas)

4. Ask Aizen if he would call him "gramps"

5. Tell him to take it easy or he'll break his trillion year old hip

The Tres Espada

1. Ask Tia Harribel if she's a bimbo

2. Flood her palace

3. Fill the rooms with all kinds of sharks and see if she can do something cool to control them (Naruto' Kisame and Samehada's merging together into a shark-human hybrid)

4. Tell her "blondy" jokes

5. Ask her if her eyelashes can do something freakishly cool like (Yumichika)

The Cuatro Espada

1. Handcuff Ulquiorra to Grimmjow all day

2. Write "emo" all over his face

3. Sing the E.M.O song (E is for emotional, ruins everybody's time. M is for miserable people . . .)

4. Use the Hueco Mundo control room intercom and see if you can implant little voices in his "head"

5. Force Yammy and Grimmjow to sing "Super Freak" in a high, obnoxious voice just for him. (Is it possible to sing with a German accent?)

The Quinto Espada

1. Ask Nnoitra if he's a transexual

2. Tease him that he couldn't beat two women even though they hate fighting and had less experience then him

3. Call him boobless lady

4. Call all the higher rank espadas to call him by this name (you may have threaten Ulquiorra though)

5. Ask him if Szayel Aporro Grantz performed plastic surgery on him (his face is probably like that due to the botox overdose)

The Sexta Espada

1. Tempt Grimmjow with catnip

2. Spike his drink with catnip during an Espada meeting and videotape it

3. Address him as Kitty-Sama instead of Grimmjow

4. Give him yarn and warm milk

5. Invite all Espada members to watch him purr in his sleep (he's bound to say "tummy rub")

The Septima Espada

1. Ask Zommari if he's high on witch crack

2. See if he can do magic shows with his "Amor"

3. Ask him if he's in love with Aizen even though he's a shinigami (Zommari always seem to be praising Aizen, especially before he died)

4. Try to bend his zanpaktou and tell him that you were messing with his "Amor"

5. Ask him where's his fraccion or no one wanted to join him because he's a queer witch doctor.

The Octava Espada

1. Dye Szayel's hair rainbow

2. Make some "repairs" with his fraccion so they would sing the "If You Were Gay" song.

3. See who needs medical therapy: Mayuri or Szayel. (Note: Szayel's fraccion and Nemu Kurosutchi are kinda similar don'tcha think?)

4. Ask him if he's assexual queer because he can reproduce without bothe parents (unless Nemu was his "mom")

5. Dress him up like Mayuri

The Noveno Espada

1. Use Aaroniero's glass helmet as a fishbowl

2. Instead of putting regular goldfish, put a piranha fish inside (it would look comical if the fish was biting one of the heads while the other was speaking)

3. Ask him/her if being a mutated vegetable is a good thing and let Szayel Aporro at him

4. Use both heads in a game of Arrancar Bowling

5. Invite the Espadas to this game of Arrancar Bowling and see who can knock over the giant-ass mask that he/she wears all the time

The Cero/Diez Espada

1. Ask Yammy if he's on Arrancar Steroids. (YUM! I was saying this sarcastically)

2. Freeze his ass to a chair and make him listen to opera

3. Call him trash over and over again until someone decreases the steroid level in his body until he loses the superman strength.

4. Mess with his steroids and cut his ponytail

5. Learn how to paint Yachiru-style and write "Major Jackass" with swirly flowers and smiley faces.

Author's note: Aizen's probably ain't gonna touch you but you a in some major trouble my friend even if the "pranks" you pulled were minor. I hope you won't get coyoted, dissolve, shaked, bat, santa-teresaed, cat, loved, and etc

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What did'cha know, I knew that this wasn't as good as "How to Bust Up the Gotei 13" but what the hell anyways. I'm gonna edit it as soon as I get new ideas.


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